01 January 2012

My Top Ten Most Anticipated Films of 2012

Guess what?  The Dark Knight Rises is totally going to suck.  You know how I know?  My eyeballs and ear canals told me.  Between Anne Hathaway's clunky delivery of truly horrible dialogue in the trailer to the downright laughable six-minute mumblecore prologue attached to Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol, this one looks like a true turkey.  And what's up with that football scene?

Below is a list of ten tantalizing, thought-provoking cinematic spectacles due out sometime in the next 365 days, all of which look infinitely more interesting than Tom Hardy with a gas mask.  (As a brief aside, if you want some really good contemporary Batman, you should check out Scott Snyder's current run in DC Comics' New 52.  Now that's an interesting Dark Knight!  Bonus: you can understand what everyone's saying!)  You won't find many of the other big blockbuster names here and for that I apologize.  I'm not sure why, but what the hell, I love ya!  What do you say, let's boogie!

10. Untitled Terrence Malick Project

Do I really think that this film starring Ben Affleck as a man who returns to his hometown after the dissolution of his marriage, will be released anytime in the next decade?  No, not really, but we have to tell ourselves lies in order to get through each agonizing day.  A new Malick film is like a golden carrot of destiny guiding us forward through the eternal abyss of time.  I'm writing this list way too late at night.

9. Gangster Squad

So that guy that made Zombieland is apparently directing a film about the L.A.P.D.'s war against organized crime in the 1940s and 50s and he got Sean Penn, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Josh Brolin and Nick Nolte to tag along.  That sounds like a pretty righteous idea.  Let's hope it cleanses Public Enemies from our collective consciousness.

8. Seven Psychopaths

Playwright Martin McDonagh reteams with his In Bruges star Colin Farrell for this, his second feature. The story of a screenwriter who winds up in a dognapping scheme sounds like just the right vehicle for McDonagh's trademark black comedy.  And with co-stars Sam Rockwell, Woody Harrelson, Mickey Rourke and Christopher Walken, the potential for shenanigans is at a fever pitch.

7. Wreck-It Ralph

Disney's newest animated feature is about a villain from a classic arcade game who longs to be a hero.  He attempts to do this by sneaking into a new fangled game and unleashing a vicious enemy in hopes of defeating it.  I'm not just plugging this just because I'm already vowing to watch it.  It actually sounds pretty interesting.   Plus, Ralph is voiced by John C. Reilly so you know it's going to be awesome.

6. Casa de mi Padre

Although I rarely find his films enjoyable on the whole, I think Will Ferrell is absolutely hilarious.  I especially like how he has used his fame as of late to do any weird, wacky thing that comes into his brain.  First there was the great appearance of ace reliever Rojo Johnson at a minor league baseball game, then came the Davenport, Iowa Milwaukee's Best commercials, and now comes this Spanish-language epic about two brothers trying to save their father's ranch from a drug lord.  Because, why the hell not?

5. Brave

If you couldn't tell by yesterday's list, Cars 2 really, really hurt.  I actually toyed with the idea of setting up an online campaign to raise funds to buy billboard space around Emeryville begging Pixar to stop making sequels.  Please Brave, prove me right by being original, heartfelt and incredible.  But nothing like the Incredibles.  We've already seen that movie.  Help me Brave, you're my only hope.

4. Lincoln

Steven Spielberg is back suckas and he's taking no prisoners.  His long-gestating tale about Abraham Lincoln navigating the Civil War is filming right now and looks like it should hit theatres right around Christmas.  The film stars Daniel Day-Lewis as the sixteenth president and is based on the work of Doris Kearns Goodwin.  She's a Red Sox fan but don't hold that against her.

3. Much Ado About Nothing

Joss Whedon's contemporary adaptation of the classic Shakespeare comedy was shot at his house during his vacation away from some other movie he directed.  Much Ado features a veritable rogue's gallery of just about every wonderful actor from many of Whedon's beloved television series.  Above all the film stars Amy Acker and Alexis Denisof as Beatrice and Benedick which means I can finally stop writing all of that Fred and Wesley Angel fan-fic.

2. Django Unchained

Quentin Tarantino describes his latest film as a "Southern", a Western set in the South about a slave, played by Jamie Foxx, who rises up and wreaks vengeance upon his oppressors.  With a stunning supporting cast headed by Leonardo DiCaprio as the plantation owner, Django Unchained sounds like a hell of a bloody good time. 

1. The Master

Paul Thomas Anderson returns to the big screen for the first time in five years with this thinly veiled story about the rise of Scientology starring Philip Seymour Hoffman as a man who comes home from war and decides to create his own religion.  It's going to be tough topping There Will Be Blood but this sounds like it's got a pretty great shot.

Boy, I can't wait to see how all of these movies let me down!

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